Holy Moly! I’ve almost ended this crazy ride. And I have some really big news!
I feel different.
Yes, I still have a ways to go before I think everything will be broken off of me. I still think I’m too fat, my boobs are too old, my arms still flap like chicken wings. I have gray hairs that I refer to as sparkles, I get grouchy, I like junk food, I hate my alarm clock…do I really have to keep going?
The difference is this: I think I have finally found true joy. You’ll never guess where… Nope. Well, maybe. But don’t ruin it. If I give my answer right away we could end this right now. So let’s drag it out a bit.
Uhmmm…yuck. Who asked for that?
She sent me home to create a list of all the things I need to forgive myself for. Now picture if you will the old boobs, chicken wing arms, sparkly haired old lady dragging around a very large purse, head hung low, whining…like a toddler. I don’t think it was quite that dramatic but that is definitely how it felt.
Want me to share?
That’s why we are here isn’t it?
- Conception. Yup. I have to forgive myself for being conceived. They weren’t ready. They didn’t want me. But I was so determined to burst forth, I didn’t care. Selfish, I know. OH PLEASE! This was hardly my fault. But it’s definitely on the list.
- Robbing my mother of her youth. Duh. This is because I insisted on being conceived.
- Being molested-twice. I should have protected my young self better. I should have known that my friends high school brother was not just going to play as a couple of third grade girls would. I should have instinctively known my grandfather was a serial child molester & karate chopped him every time he tried. Which leads to…
- Tearing apart the family. When I revealed said serial child molester to my parents.
- Being barren. This one I believe I am not alone in owing myself a little grace & forgiveness. If we can’t conceive, it immediately becomes our fault. Forever. I literally told Mark once that he could leave me because I couldn’t make babies. Luckily, he didn’t hit me with the pain that flashed across his face. Probably earned it, but he didn’t.
- Adopting Dylan. As much love, time, effort…as many prayers, hugs, kisses, snuggles, juice boxes, x-rays, turtles, geckos, fishing poles or hiking trails we piled on top of him, we were unable to undo what was done before us. This one hurts in a way I don’t even know how to describe. So I just don’t. I don’t ask. I don’t inquire. I just ignore. But I need to forgive myself for not being able to save him from himself.
- And I need to forgive myself for it destroying our marriage.
- Mark. I need to forgive myself that I wasnt enough. Pretty enough. Perfect enough. Rich enough. Fun enough. Interesting enough. Skinny enough. Intelligent enough. Enough.
- My bio mom again. Ditto.
- Getting fat. Yes, I was on medication for fertility treatments that ballooned me up rapidly. Had a hysterectomy so I was in menopause at 30. The perfect storm of fat storage in a woman. Starving allowed some loss. Exercise didn’t. Medical treatments helped shed some but 55 pounds later, I’m still walking around like I’m wearing a small suit about to burst open because chubby Matilda is going to explode out to reveal herself & all that shame.
- Getting thinner. Because it’s just not enough yet, is it? Work harder. Eat less. Hide that chocolate. No one wants to see chubby Matilda eat, so don’t. Don’t worry. I do. Plenty. But the point is, I felt shamed fat, I feel shamed less fat. That’s what we are doing to ourselves.
- Not finishing college. Seems self explanatory but it’s really not. Do you want to know why? Oh I have a million “reasons.” But the truth is, I never felt worthy of success. I never deserved good, nice or happy. I settled into a career that pays the bills, I even enjoy, but I know is not my calling. Maybe I should forgive that too.
- Andrew. Go read it. There is way too much to put here. Guilt, shame, regret, what ifs till I can’t breathe.
Well, I think that’s the list. It’s certainly a good start. The funny thing was, Tuesday morning, in prayer, I heard “Grace upon Grace.” Ok. Whatever. But when Josie asked me to write a list of my own personal unforgiveness issues, that became a flashing neon sign. Grace upon grace. Grace upon grace. Oh. Sure. Ok. Give myself grace upon grace.
“For out of His fullness [the superabundance of His grace and truth] we have all received grace upon grace [spiritual blessing upon spiritual blessing, favor upon favor, and gift heaped upon gift].”
JOHN 1:16 AMP
Did you see what I bolded there for you? Grace is free. Unmerited. Favor. We get it just because we get it. We get it just because He gives it. We get it “just because” Jesus took that cross for us. If we don’t have to earn it from God, the least we can do is put it to good use for God-in ourselves & the manner in which we treat others.
So lovelies. I will be working on forgiveness towards myself. You should do the same. We don’t deserve the grace, it’s just there for us. So grab it, let it free your heart & soul. Then spread it around like glitter! And find the true joy that is waiting around the corner.
Till next time my sweets: