Happy Thanksgiving Loves!
With the holidays a time of reflection, I keep thinking back over the last year. Truthfully, to do so causes me heartache, my stomach to drop. Allow me to share my reflections…
I am thankful for friends who keep me busy, as this keeps me out of my own head too much. Spending too much time there is a real downer, even for me and it’s my head!
I am thankful for a very Large circle of people who love me. This is both friends & family. They may be handling my grief in a way that isn’t the most helpful, but I know it’s because they don’t have experience in this area. For that I am glad. No one should have to experience what I have this year.
I am thankful for the ability to laugh despite my pain. I am still able to find humor, silliness, spontaneous crazy to make others laugh & bring fun to any situation.
I am thankful for uncovering who I am. This is an ongoing process, I will never be done. But the girl I have found in this pile of pain has many good qualities. I’m funny, I am generous, I am loving, I am accepting, I am seeking God’s purpose & plan for my life.
I am thankful for the very short time I had with Andrew, the love & friendship we had & the unconditional acceptance we shared. I wish he were here today, but since he isn’t, the greatest honor I can give him is to live fully with the lessons his life, our relationship & his death taught me. This pain sucks & I have heard with some deaths, it never fully goes away, just sits below the surface. I guess we never know. I do know that he would have insisted I not cry one tear. Since all I do is cry, I cannot honor that expectation. I have heard the firsts of everything are the worst & once it’s over it is a different feeling. I’m not in love with the process I have been through but I have certainly discovered a lot.
I am thankful that God shows up, even when I don’t see it, even when I push Him away, that His love for me is bold & vibrant & pure. I am thankful that God has filled my life with people that love Him & seek Him, these people guide my days, keep me from making dumb choices & hug me tight every time I need it.
If you don’t hear it from anyone else, you are loved, by Him, by me!